If you want to turn-off your wife, here’s how. I’d rather not say if I have first-hand experience, here. But I will confess my wife despises all of them.
Do any of these, and you’ll likely be “without” for weeks… maybe longer.
01. Don’t leave pee on the toilet seat.
Early in life, my sister taught me this. She was tough. Merciless. Scary.
02. Put the toilet seat back down after use.
There’s nothing more alarming than a raging woman after she’s splashed into the toilet in the middle of the night. And when it happens, there’s nothing you can say that will make it better. You’ll have to trust me on this one.
03. Don’t leave dirty underwear on the floor.
I’m not sure why this consistently strikes such a nerve, but it does… especially when traveling.
04. Don’t pick your nose when she can see.
Even rookies should know better. Save this task for your commute to work or for alone-times in your cubicle.
05. Don’t burp out loud.
My wife doesn’t think my burps are funny, yet she bends over laughing when our Great Dane burps in her face. Not fair.
06. Don’t fart under the covers.
She might laugh when you do this as newlyweds, but after kids, it’s no longer funny.
Tip: If you let one slip out, never own up to it. Blame it on the dog if you have one. Blame it on her if you don’t.
07. Don’t blow your nose in the shower.
A major turn-off for some women. A real no-no in my house. Occasionally, I do this just to make my wife cringe. I’m bad.
08. Don’t pee in the shower.
Regardless of how discrete you are, she’ll catch you every time. And no, she doesn’t realize (or care) that the shower and toilet drains connect to the same pipe under your house. I wonder if there’s a double standard happening in our shower. I can’t prove it, but I have my suspicions.
09. Don’t flick body particles (from busted pimples or flossing) on the bathroom mirror.
You’re in luck… pimples disappear and teeth fall out. Finally, something that gets better with age.
10. Don’t leave her car on empty, especially when she has an appointment early the next morning.
I’ve never done this, but I’ve had it done to me. Not funny.
11. Don’t go drinking with the guys without getting her blessings.
Better yet, don’t go drinking with the guys, period. You’re not in college anymore.
12. Don’t forget to pick up the milk.
When she asks you to stop on the way home from work to pick up something, she expects you to do it. If you forget, save the excuses. Say you’re sorry, then immediately head back to the store.
Tip: If she says, “That’s okay, you don’t have to go back,” it’s a horrible trick. Don’t fall for it. She’ll be muttering unpleasant thoughts under her breath all night. Ask for romance and she’ll likely say, “I would, if you’d picked up milk like I asked you to.”
13. Don’t interrupt her when she’s watching “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette,” or “Grey’s Anatomy.”
Yes, these shows are fake, but you’ll never convince her, and it’s not worth the effort.
14. Don’t call her a “b – – – -”, even if she calls you an “ass-hole” first.
This is general advice, and not from actual experience (of course). Ever seen rage in the eyes of a redheaded woman? Trust me… you don’t want to.
15. Don’t forget to take little Bobby to his orthodontics appointment.
It might seem like an honest mistake, but forgetting is unforgivable to a woman. When confronted with your failure, don’t even respond. Pack a bag and head to the nearest Hampton Inn. She’ll forgive you someday, after you do something worse.
16. Don’t buy a car with leather seats unless they’re heated.
A friend once told me that women, even ones with large rumps, dig heated seats. He was spot-on.
Tip: Don’t be alarmed if your woman uses the heated seats when it’s hot outside. This is perfectly normal female behavior.
17. Don’t come home with a motorcycle unless you’ve discussed it with her first.
A motorcycle needs pre-approval, as does a new car, home furnishings, clothing, vacation plans, and anything else that’s staying inside the house.
18. Don’t say anything about her mother.
Somehow she’ll misinterpret your words as criticism, even when you say something nice.
19. Don’t buy a car for yourself that’s nicer than hers.
Do you really want to hear about this for the rest of your life? No… you don’t.
20. Don’t ever use the words, “she’s hot” to describe another human being.
Even when you’re watching TV, and you think she’s in another room, and you barely whisper it. Trust me, she’ll hear you and she won’t think it’s funny. Can you say… L_O_N_E_L_Y.
21. Deleted because I’m weak and afraid.
I had no choice but to omit this one. Sure, it was edgy… but I think it was funny, even if *she* didn’t. Maybe I’ll balls-up and publish it, someday… after I update my Last Will and Testament.
Sharing life with a woman can be tough, but it’s one of the best parts of life, right? If women acted like men, it wouldn’t be nearly as fun. I think I’ll stop intentionally doing any of the deeds above… at least when she’s around.